I HATED MYSELF

 

Psalm 139:14: I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

 My plan was to write about a completely different topic today, but last night God spoke to me in a dream. I saw myself encouraging a young girl who was crying over a flaw. I told my testimony and through it God stepped in and took her burden away. She hugged me and broke down in tears. The message from that dream is quite clear—I must tell you all my testimony.

Before I accepted God’s love, I was suffocating from hatred. I didn’t have hatred towards others, instead I had a strong hatred for myself. If you asked me to write out a list of things I liked about myself, I would have absolutely nothing to say. Literally.

That’s how it began. But my self-hatred began to fester, and I found myself having panic attacks at the sight of myself.

Low self-esteem isn’t just about teenagers freaking out over a pimple, or about crowds of women running to the diet aisles hoping to get Beyonce’s shape. I can’t tell you how many times I tried to reach out to people for help and they told me things like “don’t worry we all have insecurities.”  Low self-esteem isn’t simply about insecurities, but rather it is about an overall dislike for yourself. That’s what makes low self-esteem so dangerous. Only by the grace of God I’m free from a demon that held me down for over a decade.

A flaw? That’s all?

 

I refer to my younger years as my glory days because I didn’t care about vanity. Sure we teased each other in elementary school, but it was all about good laughs! (I’m not saying it was right). I never actually considered whether or not I was beautiful to others.

The bible says satan prowls around like a lion looking for someone to devour. This had to be the period of my life when he saw me as an ideal victim, and he attacked me through hip-hop music. Before my love affair with 90’s music, I actually listened to old school hits. And I do mean old school! Until I was about 7, all I listened to were artists like Sam Cooke, Aretha Franklin, and Curtis Mayfield and the Impressions. In fact I thought that music was new. You can imagine how crazy I looked when I asked my classmate if she heard the new Sam Cooke song.

But once I began to hear artists like Tupac, Biggie, Mariah Carey and Blackstreet, it was a wrap. Satan started by attacking my ears and then he aimed for my eyes. I would watch music videos any chance I could. That might not sound like much of a problem to some, but it was a big issue. Every video I seen I was digesting a shallow standard of beauty. As a result I had an idea of how an attractive man and woman would look like—but I hadn’t yet looked at my own reflection.

I can’t believe I’m ugly.

 

I could only go so long with the wool pulled over my eyes before a classmate pointed it out to me. Or should I say classmates. Things became real personal in middle school. It wasn't just joking around like it was in my earlier years. One morning I was jumping double-dutch with some friends and I could hear these guys nearby talking about us. I would never forget these words: “she would be fine if her nose wasn’t so big.” Going one day without teasing me about my nose would have been like a day without breathing for a lot of guys back then. I heard it all, from Bozo to Gonzo, to Rudolph. And then some.

At home I would spend a lot of time in the mirror pinching my nose to see how beautiful I would look with a smaller nose. It wasn’t long before I internalized my identity. I was the ugly girl with the big nose.

Don’t look at me.

 

During high school I spent most of my time in the background because I didn’t want to be talked about. Ironically, not too many people said much about me, but I assumed they would. I assumed every time a person stared at me too long they were mortified at my looks. I hated my shape, my face, and despite that fact that I had a 3.6 G.P.A., I thought I was stupid too. I always compared myself to the popular girls in school. I asked God why couldn’t I have her nose, or her clear skin? So far this sounds like a typical teenager to most. Don't let it fool you. That demon began to gain more and more strength and by college I was completely consumed and screaming for help.

I absolutely hate myself!

That demon began to attack me on every level. At this point in my life I would break down in tears when I saw pictures of myself. I showered in the dark so I wouldn’t see my body and I avoided mirrors like the plague. The times I actually glimpsed at my reflection, anxiety would take over and my hands would began to tremble. Panic attacks often followed. I assumed I was not attractive to any man. I didn’t even feel like a woman. At this point is wasn’t about my flaws. It was about me. I hated everything in me. I hated my voice, my laugh, my looks, and even my thoughts. I hated it all. Satan roamed free in my mind. On a normal day I would ask myself, “Why are you so ugly and so stupid? Why do I fail to meet the basic requirements of a woman?” I was clawing at myself spiritually and couldn’t stop. That is until God stepped in.

 

It’s no longer my battle

 

I’m not going to act like once I turned my life to God everything stopped. What I will say is now when those negative thoughts come to me I just let God take care of it.

Immediately after allowing Jesus Christ in my life I began to feel confident. I wasn’t confident in my looks or abilities, but instead I was confident in my future with Him. I went through a season filled with ups and downs. It was like God and satan were literally battling each other. You had God on one hand working through people who randomly told me I was beautiful, and you had satan working through people who were screaming from their cars calling me a ugly b-word. As you can guess, God won.

I still struggle with loving myself, but I will never be who I was glory to God. One time I was crying telling God I’m ugly, and He told me, “Daughter I cannot wait until you see yourself the way I see you.” God’s words are filled with endless layers of wisdom. Think about the way God sees us. We cannot hide from Him. He sees us in the morning, when we’re sick, and even when we are wearing the guilt of our sins! God still thinks we are beautiful! Why isn’t that enough? Why must we care what people on this earth think?

Numbers 23:19: God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?

1 Peter 3:3-4:Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

God can do any and all things, but He will never mislead or lie to you. God says you’re beautiful. You can’t dispute that!

 

 

 

 

 

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